Yes, as you may have figured from the title, I suffer from clinical depression. Not the kind of 'depression' you get when someone passes away or you're hurt, no. It's the kind that doesn't go away, it stays and festers itself into your body and won't leave you alone. I also suffer slightly from social anxiety, this however, I think comes from a long childhood of being bullied, but I'll get to that later.
What is depression? I could give you the dictionary and tell you to look it up, but I think best is to describe the way I see it (or you in this case?). To me depression is a black hole that sucks everything from inside me up and leaves me feeling empty. It rips apart at corners in my brain and causes me to want to stay inside my bed-burrito all day. It takes away my daily motivation to do anything and makes me tumble into a never-ending vortex of self-hate and general blah-ness. It makes me look in the mirror and makes me pick apart everything that could be wrong with me (hair, eyes, mouth, face, neck, etc.). It makes me feel small and tivial. I lose my selfconfidence, my apeteite and my appreciation for life.
When I'm stuck inside this tunnel, I can't see the way out. I usually don't find my way back very easily. It takes weeks sometimes.
And then when I've found my way out, I'm an outgoing and happy person and I often don't recongnise myself. It's so strange, even for me.
I'm lucky I guess, that my friends support me and my family is there for me and that my boyfriend unrolls my blanket-burrito and helps me get back on my feet. I'm lucky. I know.
But sometimes you're forced to be alone and then, even if you are lucky, this can be your worst nightmare. Being alone, having to fight demons alone... that sort of thing is scary. And I don't know when I will be ready for that. I'm not strong enough for that. Not yet at least.
I wish I would have told someone before it was all too late and would leave scars so deep that they always bleed. And it's not like you can wake up one day and say "I'm gonna be ok today"... That doesn't work. I wish it did.
I'm just rambling, but I wanted to let you know, you're not alone. And never ever be afraid to speak up. People are cruel and stupid, but some people are heartwarming and kind. And those kind people, they will help you. I promise.
If you think no one is there to listen, message me. I'll listen. I promise <3
Love,
Ophee <3
